We Tried Farmers Only; Here’s Our Thoughts

Perhaps it was their catchy jingle, perhaps it was the Hannah Montana Original movie, or maybe a sultry mix of the two. This Valentine’s Day The Nightly finally gave in, went onto the world-wide web, and got a Farmers Only account.

Unlike more mainstream dating apps, Farmers Only got straight to the point and skipped the whole developing an app thing. And then skipped most of the developing a website thing. When you create an account, Farmers Only Forces you to choose between two boxes: “I am a Man” and “I am a woman.” The next screen you see reads “I am looking for a man” and “I am looking for a woman.” Good to know Farmers Only is good with the gays, but sadly they draw the line with us tr*nnies, so we’re cosplaying as cis. Our profile picture is the Nightly logo, so we’re also cosplaying as a dog. Which actually didn’t seem to bother anyone much.

Having finished the set-up, we entered into a whole new world full of excitement and allegedly farmers. Countrygirl########## was our name now and we were ready to live this life to its fullest. As we scrolled through profiles, two options emerged below each picture. One button says “Flirt Now!” The other says “Email.” As you all should know by now, there is nothing that gets Nightly writers more horny than emails. We’ve come close to drunk sexting our entire mailing list so many times, it’s a wonder none of you are gregnant by now.

Subduing our urges for a while, we went ahead and clicked the “Flirt Now!” button of an unsuspecting cowboy. This was a unique feature that I’ve never seen on any other dating app. You emerge on a screen with a dropdown that reads “Select one.” clicking on that leads to a drop down menu that's longer than cowboy83927564. Some of these tantalizing messages include:

• Which is faster: you or your horse?

• Do you have an empty stall for me?

• How many horses will fit in your barn?

• Would you like to go for a horseback ride sometime?

• How about that tractor!

After a long night of scrolling, flirting, and emailing, we started hyperventilating with lust and had to recline with a cold compress and smelling salts. We’re excited to see which cowboys and country girls are waiting in our inbox tomorrow. Even if the “Wanna compare tractors?” line doesn’t work its charm, country girls make do. Amen, hallelujah.

Published 2-21-24